This week at the movies, we've got two wild and crazy guys (The Bucket List, starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman), pious crooks (First Sunday, starring Ice Cube and Tracy Morgan), botanical buccaneers (The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie), haunted expatriates (The Kite Runner), tormented mothers (The Orphanage), and Uwe Boll (In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, starring Jason Statham and Burt Reynolds). What do the critics have to say?

How can a movie directed by Rob Reiner and starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman possibly fail? If, say critics, it has a really contrived, sappy script, which is the problem with The Bucket List. Nicholson and Freeman star as a couple of sixtysomethings who, after discovering they each have terminal illnesses, team up to do all the living they can in the time they have left -- in the form of skydiving and tattoo-getting, among other things. Pundits say the two stars give it their all, but they're undercut by a predictable plot that overdoses on schmaltz. At 44 percent on the Tomatometer, Bucket probably shouldn't top your list.

"I never would've put strip solitaire on my list."

Ice Cube and Tracy Morgan are talented people. Unfortunately, critics say their despite their combined ability to generate intermittent chuckles, they're unable to save First Sunday. The film is a tale of two incompetent crooks who contrive a plot to rob the local house of worship. However, their plan goes awry rather quickly, and the pair has a crisis of faith. Pundits say First Sunday has its moments, but it's ultimately undone by a script that lacks nuance and consistency; others aren't buying the sentimentality of the last act. At 25 percent on the Tomatometer, First Sunday might need to do penance.

Ice Cube in the first Sunday the Friday after next.

Fear not, parents: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A Veggietales Movie contains no plank-walking, keel-hauling, or bottles of rum. But guess what? Critics say it's clever enough to keep you entertained. The latest in Christian animation's most venerable franchise since Davey and Goliath, Pirates follows the comic misadventures of Larry the Cucumber, Mr. Lunt and Pa Grape, as they are transported from their humdrum lives back in time to the days of William Kidd -- and trouble on the high seas. Pundits say while Pirates, may be several cuts below Ratatouille, it's sweet and inoffensive, with a positive message and some good laughs. At 67 percent on the Tomatometer, this Pirates' life may not be for everyone, but at least it won't make you want to mutiny.

"We're off to see the Eggplant Wizard!"

Khaled Hosseini's novel The Kite Runner drew widespread praise for its tale of youngsters living through a tumultuous period in Afghani history. And critics say Marc Forster's big-screen adaptation does a reasonably good job of translating the book's sweep -- while still taking some liberties. Kite stars Zekiria Ebrahimi and Ahmad Khan Mahmoodzada as two youngsters who survive both the Soviet invasion and the rise of the Taliban -- albeit with some pretty heavy emotional baggage. The scribes say Forster gets some great performances from his child actors, and captures the visual beauty of the war-torn land. But some say the film doesn't quite have the same impact as the novel, dialing up some of the big emotions while skimping on nuance. Still, at 65 percent on the Tomatometer, this Kite flies reasonably high. (Check out our interviews here and here.)

"Take dictation, please. Possible candidates for kite flying society..."

If you feel the fine art of cinematic suspense has drowned in a sea of gore, critics say you're in for a treat with The Orphanage. Produced by Pan's Labyrinth helmer Guillermo del Toro, The Orphanage follows Laura (Belén Rueda) and Carlos (Fernando Cayo) , the adoptive parents of Simon (Roger Príncep), an orphan suffering from HIV. The boy has a host of imaginary friends, and what he says about them starts sounding pretty sinister. The scribes say Juan Antonio Bayona's film is loaded with dread and spooky atmospherics, but it also succeeds as a heart-wrenching psychological portrait. At 85 percent on the Tomatometer, The Orphanage is Certified Fresh. (Check out our interview with Bayona and screenwriter Sergio Sanchez here and our review from Cannes here.)

"Oh, crap, I didn't mean to screen Manos, the Hands of Fate."

Yes, Uwe Boll, everyone's favorite critical pariah, has a new movie out: In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. No it wasn't screened for critics. But what did you expect, given the fact that the man's career Tomatometer is at five percent? Critics don't really dig him, especially the one he knocked out. Dungeon Siege stars Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Leelee Sobieski, Burt Reynolds, and Matthew Lillard in a tale of a regular guy who must do battle with beasts conjured by an evil sorcerer; swordplay no doubt ensues. Hey kids, stop laying siege to that dungeon and guess the Tomatometer! (And read our [qualified] defense of Mr. Boll's work in this week's Total Recall.)

Just pretend it's your agent, Jason.

Also opening this week in limited release:

• Liberty Kid, a drama about the after-effects of 9/11 on several blue-collar New Yorkers, is at 100 percent on the Tomatometer.
• Hong Sang-soo's Woman on the Beach, a subtle rom-com about a filmmaker with writer's block, is at 94 percent.
• The Business of Being Born, a documentary about several couples and their experiences with childbirth, is at 71 percent.
• The Turkish import Times and Winds, a deceptively simple tale of three youngsters coming of age in a small village, is at 73 percent.

It looks like Anne Geddes is going in a more avant garde direction.

Finally, props to tabascoman77, both for boldly announcing that One Missed Call would end up at zero percent on the Tomatometer, and for his excellent taste in hot sauce. Personally, I like the garlic Tabasco, but that's just me.

Recent Morgan Freeman Movies:
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93% -- Gone Baby Gone (2007)
42% -- Feast of Love (2007)
24% -- Evan Almighty (2007)
62% -- 10 Items or Less (2006)
52% -- Lucky # Slevin (2006) 

Uwe Boll Movies:
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4% -- BloodRayne (2006)
1% -- Alone in the Dark (2005)
4% -- House of the Dead (2003)
11% -- Blackwoods (2002)