Tomato B |
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa (2008) |
"The militaristic flightless fowl four returns in Africa, and, no shock here, the penguins steal the movie yet again with their resolute antics." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D |
Made of Honor (2008) |
"Let's just say that glow-in-the-dark anal sex toy sight gags fail to conjure up a desired mood of friendly, good-natured fun." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D- |
Major Movie Star |
"Valentine (aka Major Movie Star) is a graceless, flavorless farce built around the idea that Simpson's dimwit routine still holds appeal and the hope that the target demo has never heard of Goldie Hawn." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D- |
Mama's Boy (2007) |
"The picture is merely series of loose gags stumbling into each other while Heder makes faces, Hamilton spends more time on his soundtrack selections than his storytelling, as the rest of the cast waits patiently for their paychecks to clear." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato A- |
Mamma Mia! (2008) |
"Watching the film rear back and launch constant fireworks of joy is a wonderful thing to behold, positioning itself as an ideal summer diversion to counteract all the cartoons and superheroes...a heavy dose of syrup, but it stomps proudly and effectively." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B |
Mammoth (2009) |
"Mammoth features sensational moments of reaction and deliberation communicated by a gifted cast, building a few symbolic global bridges, more appreciable for their design than their destination." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato A- |
Man On Wire (2008) |
"The resolution may not surprise, but the journey surely will, resulting in a magnificent, often breathtaking document of a man who desired a moment to touch the heavens. Literally." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat C |
Management (2009) |
"Management should come equipped with some type of safety restraint to best absorb the shock of all the uncomfortable tonal changes that continually derail the film." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D+ |
Marley & Me (2008) |
"Pull back the intense tear-jerking and layers of sitcom filmmaking, and you're left with a movie with amazingly little in the way of dramatic nutrition or organic sentiment." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D- |
Max Payne (2008) |
"85 minutes long, rated PG-13, released by Fox, directed by John Moore, and a screenplay based on a video game. That's a recipe for disaster." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B |
Me and Orson Welles (2009) |
"It's worth the price of a ticket just to see Welles alive again, foaming at the mouth, prowling the stage, and dishing up virulent witticisms with Tommy Gun timing." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D |
Meet Bill (2008) |
"It doesn't take long for Bill to suddenly veer off course into total impenetrability, where the characters become a blur, the hacky visual poetry is rolled out, and the plot drops dead." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B+ |
The Men Who Stare at Goats (2009) |
"Blithe and teeming with actors having the time of their lives, Goats is a hilarious, freewheeling descent into the abyssal madness of the military machine." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D+ |
Michael Jackson's This Is It (2009) |
"Strictly pressed factory floor sweepings, packaged and sold with questionable intent to a public aching for closure...takes Jackson's musical legacy and squeezes it for every last remaining nickel." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D+ |
The Midnight Meat Train (2008) |
"We've all been here before: scarcely-lit, acid-washed cinematography; dreamlike storytelling; absurdly pitched performances; a lauded Asian filmmaker making his American debut; and plenty of CG snap to the bloodletting." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B+ |
Milk (2008) |
"After eight long years of cinematically picking lint out of his bellybutton, Van Sant returns from the void of his scarf collection with this noble bio-pic, a film awash with colorful characters and a pinpoint recreation of a time and place." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D- |
Miracle at St. Anna (2008) |
"St. Anna is as disorganized, unfulfilling, and lifeless a picture as Lee is capable of making. That's right, it's She Hate Me bad." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato A- |
Miracle Mile (1989) |
"Mile still packs a wallop, especially when everything goes to hell and our lovers are forced to confront their mortality. The gorgeous, unbearable feeling of doom that De Jarnatt evokes is, well, miraculous." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D- |
Mirrors (2008) |
"With Aja slathering on the cheap boo scares, overseeing rancid performances, barely investing in his screenplay, and showing questionable gorehound taste in violent imagery, Mirrors eventually reflects absolute tedium." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B- |
Miss Conception (2008) |
"It's worth a look to see Graham flourish away from the punishing Hollywood radar, delivering a tender, sillyheart performance that restores some faith in her skill, and singlehandedly makes a formulaic film a rewarding sit." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat F |
Miss March (2009) |
"Without a Friedberg/Seltzer offering this year (fingers crossed), I can wholeheartedly declare Miss March as the worst film of 2009." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B+ |
Mister Foe (2008) |
"An engrossing, provocative drama, the feature sniffs out just the right level of lurid behavior to keep the viewer in concert with the mounting domestic woes. It's a feature of unpredicted, and quite thrilling, discomfort." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat C |
Mongol (2008) |
"For a motion picture about man who changed the world on his own terms, one would think his life story would be a riveting experience, not something that requires a pot of coffee and occasional magazine breaks to enjoy." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato A- |
Monster Camp (2007) |
"Monster Camp is an absolute treat, unveiling a pastime few outside the elf realm have seen before...It's a confident directorial piece in what amounts to be a spellbinding documentary of unique perspective." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B+ |
Monsters vs. Aliens (2009) |
"A cracking animated comedy that takes wonderful care of its characters and pace, presenting a brisk, frequently hilarious romp that rarely pauses to reflect. The simplicity is refreshing." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato A- |
Mother of Tears (2008) |
" It's an imperfect motion picture, often downright ridiculous, but it's a blast of lusty, violent fun that doesn't come around nearly enough these days. Take it as a flamboyant exclamation point on a stalled career, and it's practically irresistible." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato A- |
Must Read After My Death (2009) |
"By turning misery into performance art, Dews has crafted a piercing motion picture that sheds icky voyeuristic limitations to transform into something mournful and reflective, finding a sense of resolution in the midst of an unexpected education." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat C+ |
Mutant Chronicles (2009) |
"The feature is better executed in a shoot-first-ask-questions-later style that encourages silence and brutality. Once the material is asked to explain itself, the entertainment value of the film curdles immediately." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D- |
My Best Friend's Girl (2008) |
"There could be a supporting turn from Will Smith, gas cards under every theater seat, and certified proof who killed JFK revealed only after the end credits and it still wouldn't salvage Cook's ability to select the worst possible starring vehicles." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat C- |
My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009) |
"This 2009 update isn't interested in manufacturing a severe facelift, instead holding tight to the dog-eared slasher playbook, adding the gimmick of 3-D to provide audiences with a front row seat to terror, and, for the most part, atrocious acting." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B |
My Blueberry Nights (2008) |
"Emotionally aloof, but never far from a moment of beauty." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat D- |
My Life in Ruins (2009) |
"As bubbly a talent as Vardalos is, Ruins is profoundly nauseating, and grows increasingly repellent the more it pushes to charm. Greece deserves a better travelogue than this, and a better spokeswoman than Nia Vardalos." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato B |
My Name is Bruce (2008) |
"A spirited romp of self-deprecation and beheadings that might not hold appeal to the ordinary viewer, but remains absolute catnip to Campbell fans." |
Brian Orndorf |
Splat C |
My Sister's Keeper (2009) |
"For every instant of genuine tragic ache within this dubious feature, there are two served up right behind it that drip with obnoxious manipulation and creaky execution." |
Brian Orndorf |
Tomato A- |
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996) |
"The translation is a little bumpy, but this is Mystery Science Theater we're talking about here: even a less concentrated effort is guaranteed to be a pants-wetting night of endless laughs and infectious bad movie grimacing." |
Brian Orndorf |
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