Starring Kinky Friedman, Martin Landau, Ruth Buzzi and Jose Ferrer. Directed by Jackie Kong. Rated R.

"Oh, the humanity!"

What other phrase could possibly describe The Being?

"The first horror movie shot in Idaho."

Yeah, that might be the only other one.

Wait... ah yes, one more. "Total shit".

A throwback to the cautionary sci-fi tales of the 1950s, The Being attempts to recapture that genre's combination of ecological warnings with creepy creatures. Unfortunately, it offers nothing new to the mix. Not that there's anything wrong with that, so long as the movie in question is competent. The Being isn't competent, it's laughable.

Consider the plot for a moment. Nuclear waste dump spawns toxic creature. The town's sycophantic mayor refuses to recognize the danger, preferring to cover the mess up. Our brave sheriff goes on a thankless crusade to stop the monster, aided by an expert in environmental science. Substitute a few elements, and this is essentially the plot of Jaws dipped in nuclear sludge, with a monster even less convincing. Bruce the Mechanical Shark was driven by hydraulics. The Being is lucky to have afforded itself a shopping cart.

What is the Being, anyway? Hard to say, because half the movie is lensed in total darkness. At times it looks like a man in a rubber suit, with a head that strongly resembles a super-sized Vlasic pickle with teeth. We learn along the way that the Being can also assume a liquid form to avoid detection, which is perhaps the film's single interesting idea, even if it's not a scary one.

No mention of this movie should be made without discussing the sheriff character, played by Kinky Friedman. Yes, **the** Kinky Friedman, the colorful Texas libertarian currently considering a run for governor in the Lone Star State. His character is named Mortimer; hardly what I consider a manly moniker. Considering that the Being opens a can of Idahoan whupass on old Mort in the last twenty minutes of the film, most viewers will probably find themselves in agreement.

The Being also stars Martin Landau, Ruth Buzzi, and Jose Ferrer. Three great actors who were either in search of a paycheck, or got bored in Idaho and decided to make this hilariously awful movie to find relief. All of them should be ashamed of themselves, and I'd pay $100 if a pundit casually mentioned The Being to Kinky the next time he gives an interview on MSNBC. Knowing him, I still don't think he'd be too offended.