My friends seem pretty evenly split on this movie. Half of them thought it was one of the funniest movies they've ever seen, half of them couldn't hate it any more than they already do. Quite a divide there; that's a rift I don't often see. The last time I heard that sort of argument was over Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3 (because everyone likes the first one, and rightfully so). But although my friends had such strong opinions about this movie, I was pretty sure what my opinion of it would be. The fact that Adam Sandler was the star of this movie was a surefire guarantee that it would be awful. Not necessarily because of Adam Sandler, but because I've come to associate him as the go-to guy for studios when they want to make a horrendous, unfunny comedy that no one else in their right mind would be caught dead in. Robin Williams and Eddie Murphy raise a similar red flag in my mind. But as an unofficial critic, it's my job to watch movies and rate them, and as a friend, it's my duty to know what my friends are talking about so I can join in. Which is how I got stuck watching this movie.

I group Click in with a group of equally unfunny and frightfully colorful movies that I like to call Mid-'06 movies. Think RV and Pirates of the Caribbean 2. This is basically the group of movies that the Starz Channel seems to be promoting, for whatever idiotic reason, and that's where I found Click. I would never sink so low as to pollute my family's Netflix list with this movie, so I decided I'd use Starz the only way it should be used; to catch up on movies your average teenager has already seen in theaters but you deemed unworthy of wasting nine dollars on (or to catch the odd hit movie that teenagers somehow liked and was also rather good (The Prestige, Cars, The Illusionist, Monster House), but that's more of a rarity. Starz much prefers lousy comedies undeserving of their attention). I've seen bits and pieces of Click before I saw the whole thing, but even though I knew I wasn't missing anything except a couple of tepid gags, I wanted to see it start to finish.

What did I miss? Not much; just a bunch of whiny children and their equally whiny neighbor, a little backstory on the Janine character, and some more stuffed duck raping (seriously, the producers must have laughed themselves witless at this gag, because they shove it into the movie at the most inappropriate and random times. Thing is, it stopped being funny before it ever started being funny.). I also saw the scene of my friends was open-mouthed at right away; where Michael (Sandler) insults his kids architectural designs. Michael encourages them to come up with some designs for a house, and then when they do, he just laughs at them and (verbally) tears them apart. What kind of father does that to his kids? Even for a generation of teenagers that idolizes Adam Sandler, how is that funny? "Ha ha Adam Sandler is insulting his own children!"? I don't think I get it any more than my friend did.

Kate Beckinsale sure is out of her element here. There are no supernatural monsters to slay here. Her biggest opponent in this movie is her own husband. And I quite agree with Christopher Walken (or Morty, as he's called in this movie); how on Earth did a morally sound woman like Donna (Beckinsale) end up marrying someone as loathesome and unlikeable as Michael Newman? There is truly nothing to like about the guy. Even if you disregard the fact that he's being played by Adam Sandler and judge off his behavior in this movie alone, what on Earth could have possessed Donna to marry someone like him when there are decent men about? I'm not jealous or anything; I'm just dubious. I guess the producers just felt like they should give Michael a wife that scores points with the teenaged boys who would like this sort of movie.

Let's take a look at some of the movie's worst failed gags:

First off, we have Ben, Michael's son, proclaim, "Are you shitting me?!" when Mr. Newman Senior (Henry Winkler) does a magic trick for Ben and his sister. The funny part of this is that a child is using adult words! Well, sorry Click, you're maybe a decade or so too late. Back in the 90's this may have actually shocked someone. In this day and age, though, I hear worse words from even younger kids. Unless Click was trying to satirize modern culture or something, but that seems a little too ambitious for a movie that features:

Kids who mature so remarkably quickly that it takes little more than a year for them to mature from Dragon Tales into CSI. Again, if you're really forgiving towards this movie, you could view this as satire. Personally, I see it as more of a "Ha ha those kids are saying funny things that a kid that age wouldn't normally say!" sort of joke, which...isn't all that funny. There was a time when this could be pulled off properly; anyone remember Peter Graves's hilariously pedophilic inquiries from Airplane!? Now that was a clever way of surprising the audience; those questions were really really out of character for a guy like Peter Graves to ask, and the audience picked up on it. This gag is just insulting, though, because all you really need to know to get it is that kids like kid shows when they're kids, which goes without saying.

The dog having sex with the stuffed duck. This gag appears literally seven times or more in the movie, and each time there's a spin on it which is obviously supposed to suggest a funny gag getting funnier each time. The grand finale for this winning gag is two dogs, not one, exercising their genitals on the duck. This is another joke that I feel partially insulted by just because the filmmakers actually believe this would make me laugh. I suppose this must look absolutely hilarious to those kids who laugh whenever they hear the word 'sperm', but for anyone who isn't a frat-boy or a comedy-starved teenager, this is a pretty pathetic attempt at roping laughs out of an audience.

At one point in the movie we have Michael exploring all the possibilities of a normal DVD, but applied to his own life. One of them is Commentary. This leads to James Earl Jones narrating the more mundane aspects of Michael's life with his deep and impressive voice. Well, no premise can go untouched, so the Commentary was brought back for no real reason (Michael never presssed the Commentary option when it returned. It was brought back for cheap laughs only.). As James Earl Jones continued to narrate Michael's life, Michael yells back, "Shut up, James Earl Jones!" James Earl Jones's response is, "No, YOU shut up, bigmouth!" So much is wrong with this exchange that I literally cringed at it, no exaggerations. First of all, I ironically just found out who James Earl Jones is, having watched him act in The Great White Hope. For a pretty good and dignified actor, seeing him involved in this movie is just depressing. Second, the rupture of the fourth wall has been done and overdone so many times that it's not anywhere close to being funny in Click. And lastly, the exchange itself. "No, YOU -do whatever-" is a comeback second only to "Your mom" in terms of age. And then there was the unnecessary addition of the word 'bigmouth' just so that, in case we had any doubts, we are absolutely certain that James Earl Jones is, indeed, insulting Michael.

For its appallingly bad sense of humor and failure to make me smile even once, this movie ought to earn a 0. The problem? It ends up being passable against its own will, tossing in a few seconds of genuine sadness. The problem there, though, is that it's Adam Sandler bidding his father a touching farewell that his father will never hear, and it's Adam Sandler who is dying in a rain-drenched street as his children and wife cry. This would probably break my heart in any other movie starring any other actor. My father is alive and well, but that doesn't mean I'm unaffected when characters lose parents. I don't have to experience it to guess how awful it must feel. But it's Adam Sandler, playing a character so unlikeable you're glad for the family when they're rid of him. The morality lesson is a trite and unoriginal one, however true it may be: Family is the always the most important thing. True enough, but other movies have done that message better and I saw it coming a mile off. I ignored the moral. But the loss-of-a-father subplot was almost a separate part of the film (it's connected because, of course, fathers are a part of your family.), and I was very nearly touched by the emotion there. Shame Adam Sandler had to ruin the moment for me; any other movie and those scenes would have earned it an extra star or two...Well, actually, that's what I'm giving Click. An extra two stars. Just because it had its heart in the right place after all, making a commendable attempt to evoke pathos in its audience. But even despite its earnest enough attempt, I don't know if I could live with myself if I gave it any higher than a 2, just because the comedy was some of the worst I've seen in a long while. Nice try, Click, but no cigar.