The following is Armond White's plan. 1) Consistently pan great and beloved movies, and rave hated and poorly reviewed ones. Fame level: Obscure 2) Eventually people will start seeing a pattern, and start to catch on. Fame level: Slightly less obscure 3) Gain an amount of internet fame, and become a well known anti-critic. Fame level: Somewhat known 4) Continue with this consistently for two...More
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The following is Armond White's plan.
1) Consistently pan great and beloved movies, and rave hated and poorly reviewed ones. Fame level: Obscure 2) Eventually people will start seeing a pattern, and start to catch on. Fame level: Slightly less obscure 3) Gain an amount of internet fame, and become a well known anti-critic. Fame level: Somewhat known 4) Continue with this consistently for two years. Fame level: Well known 5) Become a massive joke and gain the hate of nearly everyone on this site. Fame level: Well known 6) Become the most hyped up and consistently talked about critic on the site. Fame level: Nearly famous 7) Get talked about on dozens of sites and become a main focus of attention on nearly every movie you review. Fame level: Famous 8) Get nearly every single person to hate you. Fame level: Famous 9) Continue to troll for attention. Fame level: Famous 10) Stupid people (like Bruce Campbell) are lured by your bait and are successfully trolled. Fame level: Very famous 11) Eventually gain a cult following and some ironic supporters. Fame level: Very famous 12) Noboy listens to Bruce Campbell and people continues to give me attention, falling right into me plan and allowing you to succeed at exactly what you set out to do. Fame level: Mega famous 12) Actually gain supporters who aren't just tongue in cheek, and become a meme (ie. Uwe Boll) Fame level: Internet celebreity 13) Eventually become the internet's most famous, beloved and well-known critic. Fame level: Me killing myself 14) Somehow this ends in world domination, I haven't figured it out yet. Fame level: The ruler of the world It's inevitable people. Stop it before it's too late, no good can come from this. |
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Directed by McG 0 Replies | 
Missed you in a cameo for DMTH. Any talk of you before making the film? Was the the same car in ED1 or was it the same model/make? 0 Replies | 
hah that's why you ctrl+c that beast before you hit post. 0 Replies | |
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We all know the notorious Armond White. Some hate him, some love him, and most importantly, everyone hates him greatly. I am going to tell you why. I'm not going to waste your time with an intro, because to be honest, I'm a pretty straight to the point kind of writer and that would be a waste of time because this man's stupidity speaks for itself.
On Fast and the Furious: Director Justin Lin doesn’t have the love of design that made the 2001 The Fast and the Furious a deliriously beautiful noir. Oh yeah, who can forget the influential classic film-noir The Fast and the Furious. I loved how it emphasized moral ambiguity and the sexual motivation between Vin Diesel and his car. I also loved the hard boiled and iconicly distinctive characteristics it portrayed, particularly the ones concerning Michelle Rodriguez' ass in tight jeans. Oh wait, no it didn't. It was an action popcorn blockbuster. So what the fuck is he talking about? I have no idea. No one does. It's one of those things you'd see posted on 4chan. On Sugar: Such indie banality -- linked to liberal message-mongering -- proves Fleck-Boden go into a slump long before rookie Miguel. Armond White seems to think that big words make you look smart, but as usual, he's a fucking idiot who messes up simple things. Like for example, not looking and sounding like a pompous moron. Read that headline out loud three times. Does it start to make any sense? No. Atleast Victoria Alexander's reviews are coherent and are easy to understand for the most part. The reviews of Armond White on the other hand are enigmas, something that needs to be studied. And when I read your entire review and still have no idea what the hell you actually thought of the movie, you are a pretty bad critic. I mean hey, isn't that the point? On Adventureland: Adventureland adds appreciable humanity to the genre, improving the adolescent egotism inflected by Dazed and Confused and the vulgar excesses of Superbad. Alright, I saw Adventureland, and I loved it. But as much as the cult classic Dazed an Confused? No fucking way, not even close. Furthermore saying it's that much better than Superbad, isn't that quite an underhanded complement? It's like saying ''Oh good job on A Clockwork Orange Mr. Kubrick, this film was much better than your really flawed 2001: A Space Odyssey''. And the fact that he thinks Adventureland is superior to Superbad would actually mean the opposite is true, considering he's a fucking idiot and has no idea what normal people enjoy watching. I don't even think he knows what normal people are. Plus the fact that he actually likes this movie must either mean it's one of the best movies ever made, or fuckin' terrible. Maybe both. On Tokyo!: Tokyo! presents a generation of filmmakers who succumb to sudden, dull, solipsistic hipsterism -- not the life force of Boccaccio ‘70 or even 2007's Paris, Je T'aime Let's make a checklist that all his writing has in common: 1) Misses the point of the movie, no matter how simple 2) Uses big irrelevant words 3) Mentions random movies that have nothing in common with the actual film he's talking about 4) Hates random things that have no relevance to the actual movie, usually things that are considered cult favorites or critical darlings Does this review have all four? Yup. And for the record, Michel Gondry > who ever the fuck he has in mind (it's very confusing, as usual). Though in his defense, he's not much of a fan of the whole Charlie Kaufman thing, though again, he's an idiot so it makes perfect sense. Oh and furthermore in his defense, he wrote the review in record speed. I guess kindergarten got off early that day. I think he also fired off a few paragraphs during nap time. Besides, what's wrong with hipsters? Not all of them are pretentious, some make pretty badass music. Regina Spektor, Leslie Feist, Zooey Deschanel. What's not to like? (seriously though I hope they all die) On Revolutionary Road: It’s cynical dramedy for people who pride themselves on being smart -- that is, unsentimental. I don't have much to say about this review, I just thought it was worth bringing up because how ironic and funny it actually is. It's basically the equivalent of someone saying ''Anyone who doesn't like Disaster Movie is an idiot'', though again, Armond had to mess up my metaphor by being confusing again. It's like the pot calling the kettle black - assuming the pot was me and being black meant you failed at your career. On Transporter 3: Forget the Oscar bait, Transporter 3 is the only movie you need to see this season. Let's take a page from Slumdog Millionaire and play a game. That statement was: A) A simple, tongue-in-cheek joke B) An over exaggeration to emphasis his like of Transporter 3 C) A satire of the over seriousness of Oscar-baiters D) What he actually thinks So that's right, he thinks Transporter 3 deserved Best Picture. I know he likes Luc Besson, but come the fuck on Whitey. I liked Taken as much as the next guy, but this is insanity. And now, for the five Best Picture nominated films. Spoiler: he didn't like any of them, not even a little Note: He didn't review Frost/Nixon, but I assume he hated it for some stupid reason like Sam Rockwell's hair was too shiny (it was pretty shiny) On The Reader: By the time The Reader lays on Jewish guilt, the calculation of sex, morbidity and piety becomes risible if not offensive. Sexist, racist and stupid. Two are debatable, one is not. And yeah, let's not forget this controversial film about reading, we all know how tons of people were offended by the mild nudity and moderate swearing. No real controversy to speak of. Well, other than it snubbing The Dark Knight and The Wrestler for Best picture, but that's clearly not what he was talking about considering he didn't like The Dark Knight or The Wrestler (nor WALL-E or Doubt for that matter). He obviously is unable to tell what kind of emotional impact a film will have on it's audience. Which is major part of being a film critic. I mean really, when has the following ever happened? Guy: Yo, let's see a movie. Girl: Cool, what should we see. Guy: There Will Be Blood sounds amazing. Girl: Let's check the news paper to see what Armond White thinks about it. Guy: Did he like it? Girl: No, he hated it. He liked Norbit though. Guy: Great, let's rent that. Answer: never. Because no one has ever listened to Armond White regarding anything concerning cinema and no one ever will. On The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Indifferent to [F. Scott] Fitzgerald’s ideas about society and ambition, Fincher falls back on Hollywood cliché. Holy hell, he was kinda right for once... kinda. I liked the film but even I will admit he has a point. Though considering the film still managed to get a Best Picture nomination plus 12 others, plus a massive Box-office account, it just proves even when he's right he's still irrelevant and unpopular. Though at the end of day it's still just an excuse to insult David Fincher. Look at his review of Zodiac for example. Oh what the hell, here's a list of great movies he hates just for shits and giggles: Hunger Gomorra Revolutionary Road The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Che The Wrestler Doubt I'm Not There Gran Torino Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street The Reader Milk The Class 4 Months, 3 Weeks & 2 Days Hearts and Minds Across the Universe The Dark Knight Paranoid Park Hairspray All the Real Girls Undertow The Assassination of Jesse James The End of the World Gone Baby Gone Iron Man Flight of the Red Balloon American Gangster Snow Angels In Bruges WALL-E Talk to Me There Will Be Blood (really!) Knocked Up Michael Clayton Boy A Tropic Thunder Vicky Cristina Barcelona Synecdoche, New York Zodiac I Love You, Man 3:10 to Yuma Ballast Hellboy II: The Golden Army Before the Devil Knows You're Dead Eastern Promises Caché A Christmas Tale Frozen River If you've ever seen a more impressive ''missed the point'' list, please tell me. On Milk: A bizarre manipulation of the gay political impulse. Now this review surprised me, because as far as I know, Armond is a fan of Gus Van Sant. However in a way it doesn't, because he's a miserable abomination of a human being. Anyways I cant quite tell if the reason why he didn't like the movie was because he's homophobic, or just some other random thing like it lacked the visceral punch of Shrek 2 or that it didn't have the surrealistic touches of a Jan Svankmajer film. Though his review is only subtletly condescending to homosexuality, it just seems like a general Armond-White-misses-the-fucking-the-point-fest. So in a way this review is an accomplishment because he didn't annoy anyone more than he usually does. (people with common sense for example) On Slumdog Millionaire: There hasn’t been a social drama this decadently over-hyped since City of God. Boyle plays the same game of pandering to liberal sensibilities while entertaining safe, middle-class distance. Here's why he's wrong, word by word: 1) Calls City of God bad for no apparent reason. Yes, they kinda share plot elements, but so do Watchmen and Brazil. Evil Dead and Pulp Fiction. Elf and Monty Python. Etc, etc. 2) ''Social drama''? Again, he over analyzes something so much he misses the point, which is actually quite simple. It's a crowd-pleasing romance epic, not some... oh who the fuck knows what he thought it was. He probably thought it was a musical. 3) ''Decadently over-hyped''? Well for one, what's decadent about being over-hyped? Secondly now that it's swept Award season and made over 300 hundred million worldwide, he once again spoke too soon. 4) ''Boyle plays the same game''? One of the most consistently variety filled directors working today, a guy who has made a science fiction film, a horror film, a kids film, a crime film, a drug film and a romance film in the past 15 years is playing his usual game? And if ''playing the same game'' wins you an Oscar, I'd say fucking go for it. 5) Pandering to liberal sensibilities? Lololololol I put politics where they don't need to be, I'm smart. Liberal-bias - democratic-bias - either way, who cares? 6) While entertaining safe, middle-class distance? Did he just contradict himself or prove the film as a pleaser to all demographics? Or both? That's like saying ''[REC] panders to the horror-fan community and thus will be a huge pleaser to them, while also also making sure to entertain every other fan base with something to enjoy. What a freakin' terrible shit-fest.'' 7) Have you ever heard, in your entire life, anyone ever complain about that, regarding any movie, ever? Go up to random people and ask them if they liked Slumdog. If they say no, ask them why, and if they say something like There hasn’t been a social drama this decadently over-hyped since City of God. Boyle plays the same game of pandering to liberal sensibilities while entertaining safe, middle-class distance, call them a fucking weirdo. Who the fuck thinks like that? This must be the mind set Charles Manson must have. Except atleast he's funny and makes much more sense than Mr.Whitey on a regular basis. And, for an extra bonus: On The Wrestler Aronofsky inflicts as much pain on the audience as self-flagellating Ram Jam does when brutalizing/mutilating himself in and outside the ring. Note: The Wrestler was my favorite movie of the year so I may be a bit biased. Kinda like what Armond is all the time, but atleast I don't hide it. 1) ''Ram Jam''? WTF? God is this man surreal. 2) Aronofsky (who is now an even bigger cult favorite) inflicts as much pain on the audience? Is that why The Wrestler is such a crowd favorite, and why Mickey Rourke got an Oscar nomination based totally on word of mouth, despite having very little hype or promotion? This is man is too fucking strange and stupid to know what audiences actually want. (he didn't like The Dark Knight for example) That's why he's always wrong and why everyone hates him so much, he's just so fucking alone on everything he thinks and he just doesn't seem to care. I don't even think he knows because he seems to live in his own little world. But hey, atleast he has respect and credibility. But wait, according to his RT profile: This user agrees with the tomatometer 49% of the time That's right, this guy is actually proven wrong by this actual website. The majority of his reviews are now officially wrong, as he's actually rotten. I mean for shit's sake I probably wouldn't be certified fresh (like Ebert), but if I actually became rotten, I'd pack it in. Hell, he has a lower rating than most of the films he pans. It's people like him that make me want to take up racism, just so I could hate him a little bit more fully. There should be a rule where you cant write a bad review for a film if that film's tomatometer is higher than your own. No really, they should consider it. 3) When brutalizing/mutilating himself in and outside the ring? Like when? Like when he got depressed and decided to actually have someone pay him attention (White can relate to that) and got drunk, meaning he accidentally forgot to go to dinner with his daughter, who over-reacted? Or like when he decided that the only thing he could ever do right was wrestling, therefore deciding to wrestle, even if it cost him his life? Jesus it makes me sad even thinking about it, you'd have to not have a fucking heart (or brain) to hate this film. Infact, here is my theory: Armond White is a zombie That's right, I think Armond White is a zombie. It would explain the following things: 1) Why he talks so fucking strange. His brain is half-dissolved, meaning he cant think in a normal way. 2) Why he only likes simple movies. Zombies cant think very well, and can only understand simple objectives like their desire to devour human flesh and chew on brains. 3) Why his reviews are so fucking random, how can one write coherently when they're a zombie? 4) Why it always looks like he's just trolling. No troll would do this much work for that little pay-off, but it's the only other non-zombie explanation. 5) He thought the casting call for Sylvester Stallone's The Expendables said you have to be a ''dumbass'' and not a ''badass'' - zombies usually get stuff like that mixed up I think. 6) Why he's always so wrong. Zombies make no sense. That's why George Romero didn't try to explain them, because, as I said, they just don't make any fucking sense. And what do we do with zombies? [center]  [/center] [center]Groovy. [/center] |
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Hahaha great post. Though I think you forgot to include his Watchmen quote. I know it's a controversial film but man: 0 Replies |
In-fuckin'-deed 0 Replies | 
Great job, I'd like to see Armond White's response to this. How does someone as stupid as Armond become a critic? 0 Replies |
I don't know why I felt compelled to randomly click on your profile and read, but serendipity is what it is. 0 Replies |
At least he didn't give Star Trek a negative rating... 1 Reply | 
If you check the Star Trek forums, you'll see I predicted that weeks ago. 0 Replies | 
Fantastic rant. Armond White blows and I would sign the Armond White off of RT petition that you suggested. He's a terrible critic and a moron. 0 Replies |
He has a borderline racist history of posting too, he gives good ratings to literally every Tyler Perry movie, which, by all means, are usually shit. 0 Replies | 
Hmmm. I don't think you like this guy...and I don't either! 0 Replies |
This is amazing. I actually just found out about him (he was one of two people to give "Up" a bad review; the other bad review at least stayed on target). I then read his review of Dance Flick (a movie I did not hate; which is different than liking), and was amazed that he liked it more than "Wall-E", which according to him is "utterly conventional". I am at a loss for words. If this petition goes up. Count me in! 0 Replies | |
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[left]The nominees:[/left]
[center]Hayden Panettiere[/center] [center]  [/center][center][/center] [center][/center] [center]Rose McGowan[/center] [center]  [/center][center]Zooey Deschanel[/center] [center]  [/center][center]Angelina Jolie[/center] [center]  [/center][center]Erin Esurance[/center] [center]  [/center][center]MAKE SURE TO VOTE, ASSHOLE[/center] [left]Hayden: 5[/left] [left]Rose: 3[/left] [left]Zooey: 7[/left] [left]Jolie: 0[/left] [left]Erin: 0[/left] |
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I demand moar Zooey pics! 0 Replies |
So, that's Zooey 1, everyone else zero?... 0 Replies |
Rose and Hayden are a tie. Zoey 3rd and the other 2 do not belong in the conversation. 0 Replies |
Dude 0 Replies |
''Hi, I'm Zooey D. All my fans already know I'm shy and humble, but hey, what the hell, why not make a myspace account, even though there are already several claiming to be the real one? I mean my cult following isn't go insane or anything.'' 0 Replies | 
I am going to have to say Hayden wins my vote. 0 Replies |
Hayden. She's nearer my age. 0 Replies | 
Zooey, without a doubt. 0 Replies |
Rose ftw 0 Replies | 
Love Zooey, but I love Hayden more. Hayden gets my vote. 0 Replies |
I wanna go with Erin Esurance, but since Zooey rules, Zooey. 0 Replies | 
Hayden all the fucking way! Zooey is a close 2nd though. 0 Replies |
Rose for sure. 0 Replies |
ZOOEY!! Damn she's cute! Hayden is a close second. 0 Replies |
Zooey all the way. Have you seen her? She's fucking gorgeous. 0 Replies | 
Zooey of course. 0 Replies |
Zooey!!! 0 Replies |
Holy crap. I thought I was the only person in the world weird enough to think Erin Esurance is a total smokeshow. Seriously, all my friends make fun of me for it! :( 0 Replies | |
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Jesus Christ, people are the worst. Why can't people just figure things out on their own? Do I seriously have to spell every single fucking thing out for people? Sometime I feel common sense is more rare than a good Heath Ledger movie. This is pretty much the problem:
Spike Lee calls Clint fucking Eastwood a racist, despite being a bitter ignorant man himself. Clint PWNS Lee. Lee makes more ignorant comments, once again having to resort to racism to make a point. (the point was 'ZOMG me good') Clint PWNS Lee... Again. [center]  [/center][center]Does he ever smile? You'd think his race was still enslaved or something.[/center] Basicially, Lee moaned and bitched about how there were no black people in Flags of Our Fathers (you know that really good movie?)... Sure - there was infact no black people in that certain very specific battle in which the movie was based on, and sure - there was infact black people in the movie - and sure, Clint made an entire movie based on the Asian side of the war - and sure, Morgan Freeman won an Oscar for being in a Clint Eastwood movie and wouldn't have a career at all without Clint - and sure, Clint made a movie about a black singer (Spike bitched about how a white man shouldn't have made the movie.. real not-racist)... But uhh... What the fuck was Spike Lee's point again? Here are some facts: 1) The movie was about the 'fathers of the flag' and the certain people who were directly involved in the raising of the first American flag. No black people were in any way involved in that very specific part of American history. FACT. 2) There were infact black people in the film. FACT. 3) The sequel to Flags of Our Fathers, 'Letters to Iwo Jima'' was about the Asain side of the war depicted in the original. Spike Lee did not complain about this however, meaning he cares only about the representation of black people in cinema. Every other race was happy though. FACT. [center]  [/center][center]Look at this fucking asshole. I hope the old cunt dies.[/center] 4) Spike Lee is a racist moron, who only uses out-dated views on race to further his own stupid agenda. Dipshits like Lee only take the real impact of real racism away, because by moaning about racism every ten seconds, real racism goes ignored and unbothered. FACT. I don't know how any intelligent person (ie. not a Spike Lee fan) could still support the tool despite huge and undeniable evidence against him. Sure, Lee makes good movies (however in Lee's case, a good movie is the exception, not the rule, although not recently - though that will change with his newest film). He may be a great director, but he's a horrible fucking human being. Besides, I saw his new film at the Toronto Film Fest - and it wasn't too great. Besides, of all the people to attack, why Clint fucking Eastwood? - The living legend and the most respected person in Hollywood. Oh yeeeeaaaah, because he made a recent popular war movie, and Lee needed someone to attack to help support his new war film (he's also a proven attention whore). Clint kicked his ass, and the Man with no Name once again proved why black people suck. [center]  [/center][center]Don't fuck with Clint yo, he has a mini-mate based off of him.[/center] |
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Clint rules! Spike drools! I hate the race card. Spike Lees movies are extremely anti white and he is proud of that. No white person could ever get away with that, at least not since Birth of A Nation. 0 Replies | 
I refuse to watch any Spike Lee movie. 0 Replies |
SPIKE LEE called DIRTY HARRY a racist?? 1 Reply |
Black people did fight the battle dipshit, but so little of the battle was seen outside of the gentlemen who raised the flag that it wasn't a major issue to make sure there were shots incorporating black people. 0 Replies |
P.S. I like his diamond earring that probably cost him 2 grand. Pompous ass. 0 Replies |
When did I become that easy to copy? 1 Reply |
What? Kind of vague. 0 Replies |
I wish i had toys like those to play with when I was a kid.. I mean Hayden Pennitiere as well as those playmobile 'for a few dollars more' figurines lol 0 Replies | |
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Ah, Metallica. What the fuck went wrong? Was it Cliff Burton's death? Was it Ulrich (I like to all him All rich)? Was it the fact that they just started to suck like all bands eventually (not Megadeth)? Why the fuck any of this happened I'll never know, but one's thing for sure - Metallica now sucks.
Megadeth has released three albums since 2000 - The World Needs a Hero, The System has Failed and United Abominations - all three were critically acclaimed and are all considered to be worthy of the name of 'Megadeth'. Metallica has released one album since 2000 - St.Anger, considered to the worst of their career. St.Anger was so fucking horrible, it could even make a Saint angry. (hey, the name is clever!) I mean shit, if Alice Cooper, at 135 years old can get his act together to make a great album this year, what's Metallica's excuse? It's a pretty fucking bad year when Katy Perry kicks more ass than Metallica. Anyways, so here's the ten worst songs of 2008: [center]  [/center][center]What's with the hairy vagina cover album?[/center] That Was Just Your Life - Death Magnetic Oh, boo fucking hoo. Look at me, I'm Metallica, I have such a hard life even though I'm the most famous and successful Metal band of all time. Things are tough all over, even when you shit gold. You know, when an album hits number one, chances are most of your problems go away. That's the problem with this song - ''We're so sad''. Fuck sadness. Where's the metal? The tune is shit, plus I've vomited more coherent riffs. Maybe Metallica should stop moaning and cutting their wrists, and start kicking ass again. The End of the Line - Death Magnetic Wow, 7 and a half minutes of nothing. The song is so clean and plain it barely counts as sound. Why are their songs so fucking long? If their songs were 3-4 minutes long, maybe they'd be bareable. But Seven and a half fucking minutes long? No fucking way. Plus the lyrics are amazing: Drop the hourglass of time Spilling sand we will not find As we gather here today We bid farewell I like to suck hairy balls The slave becomes the master The slave becomes the master The slave becomes the master, yeah Yeah, fuck yeah. If Metallica was anymore white, they'd be fucking Nickleback. Broken, Beat and Scarred - Death Magnetic I like to call this song: ''How Metallica fans feel right now''. The Day that Never Comes - Death Magnetic Oh my fucking god does this song suck ass. It starts off really slowly (you know like what Metallica is famous for) and it's so fucking boring I actually listened to another song just waiting for this one to stop sucking. Than, it finally starts, and it sounds exactly like the song 'One' except worse. I like to call it ''Shit and than some One'' because that's what it pretty much is. They ripped themselves off poorly. God what a bunch of morons. All Nightmare Long - Death Magnetic Does every fucking song on this album have to be thirty minutes long? Nice ego Metallica, we don't need to listen to every thing you guys write. ''Hey James, I wrote this on the toilet, let's put it in the album some how!'' Every note and lyric they can fucking thing of is in this album - they're so desperate to please someone, that they're throwing every possible thing at the wall and hoping it sticks. Cyanide - Death Magnetic I love the name... What are they going to call their next song? Yugsdud? Ffysvsj? Googanboogaloo? Seriously, they're fucking out of names. They have so many crappy songs they have to make words up now. Look, when I listen to Metallica, I want to hear badass music. If I wanted to hear Dr.Seuss, I'd read some fucking Horton. (or see the Jim Carrey movie of the same name, now that movie kicked ass) The Unforgiven III - Death Magnetic Oh my fucking god, they did it - they made another one. I swear, this series is worse than the Scary Movie series. Look, the first Unforgivin was one of the best songs ever written, and the sequel was great too. Part three though? Yeah it's the Shrek 3 of the series. First two great, third one was fucking awful (and this is coming from someone who actually liked Shrek 3). This song is so fucking redundant, and not only is Metallica sucking now, but they're destroying their past. Someone stop them now before they do a remix of Masters of Puppets with ZZ Top again (I wish I was making that up). For christ's sake, we forgive you already Metallica. The Judas Touch - Death Magnetic No. Just no. Worst Metallica song ever. Even worse than anything off of St. Anger. Suicide and Redemption - Death Magnetic You know how Metallica could get redemption? Suicide. This song is almost ten fucking minutes by itself. That's right. Ten. Fucking. Minutes. TEN FUCKING MINUTES LONG. I could listen to a whole Megadeth album before this one song is even done. It's like torture. Ten fucking minutes of rape. Here's some lyrics from the song just to show you how bad they are: We, are the ones Time to have some funs (wtf?) Metal is not a steel I've made not a deal Break out of the glass Dry into the grass I'm not even fucking kidding. Worst lyrics ever? My Apocalypse - Death Magnetic I have to say, this is the best song on the album. Why? Because not only is it the last, but it's the shortest. (yet it still clocks in at an ungodly five minutes) Anyways, now the five best albums of the year: 5) Iron Man - The Soundtrack Even this was fucking better than Death Magnetic. 4) Motörhead - Motörizer It's not amazing, but it's great enough to enter this list. 3) Alice Cooper - Along Came a Spider Alice Cooper kicks ass. The album's about this serial killer who cuts off people's legs and makes a strange eight-legged zombie thing. Fuck yeah. No songs about clowns, but Cooper is back, baby. 2) Feist - Open Season Amazing album. Feist is the personification of eveything in music today that dosen't suck ass. Even though it's not her strongest album (Let it Die motherfucker), it's still amazing. Love You Inside and Out is a remake that dosen't suck (Metallica should take note, fucking posers) so therefore she kicks ass. 1) She and Him - Volume One I don't even have to say why. Best album ever. Rust in Peace and Masters of Puppets can go fuck eachother (and make Stairway to Heaven?). |
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I totally agree about Metallica. They were actually the first band that got me into that type of music, and that was around the Black album...it slowly, started getting worse, and worse...and now it just plain SUCKS. :) 0 Replies |
Oh wow dude you're my hero for stating the obvious fact that even the Iron Man soundtrack is 100x better than the new Metallica lol. 0 Replies | 
myself being one who also wonders where metallica went wrong i applaude you. Its amazing how the band who wrote master of puppets (one of my favorite albums ever) could go so awfully wrong. although i am confused as to why you dont think that cyanide is a word, i thouroughly (sp?) enjoyed this post. 0 Replies | 
I liked Metallica. I really did. I like a few choice cuts from load/reload. I thought that St. Anger was tinny, annoying and boring. 0 Replies |
Although, much like Spaced, I'm not quite sure how you don't know that CYANIDE is a real word, and how you managed to post lyrics to Suicide & Redemption, which is an instrumental...I do believe that Metallica really needs to start drinking again. HARD. 1 Reply |
1) I made myself sound delibarately stupid. That was the joke. 0 Replies | |
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Here's a list of my favorite horror movies, and as you will see, you have probably never heard of any of them (save maybe one or two). No, I'm not trying to be 'hip' and 'edgy' (who the fuck still says that?) by picking strange and obscure movies so I look deep and cool. It's not my fault I'm the only person on the planet with taste, so go fuck yourself.
Oh, and on Friday, I'll be posting what will probably be the only positive review of a film you'll ever read here. Here's a hint - it's animated and also gets a special edition DVD release this week. 7) Vice Guide to Travel Say what you will about the douchebaginess of Vice Magazine, but this documentary disturbed me greatly. You've seen City of God (loser)? Alright, now watch as this film crew actually goes to where that shit goes down. Then watch as they go to an arms market in the Middle East and are actually almost able to buy a nuclear weapon. And then watch the footage of a Palestinian refugee camp and the indoctrination and lies used to form those lil' terrorists. Most of the stuff in this documentary isn't news to anyone, but actually seeing it is just disturbing. The only problem is that it's a bit too short and doesn't go extremely in-depth on any of its subjects, but what's there is chilling enough. It's not an amazing documentary and it's quite flawed, but as a horror film, it's truly chilling. 6) The War Game This is a short docudrama made in the 60s about nuclear war. It takes the form of a fake newscast revolving around a fake nuclear attack on Britain. Everything in the movie (as far as I know) was based on then-current policies regarding what to do if a nuclear attack occurred. We're shown how ineffective those policies were and how fucked everyone would be if a nuke did go off. The scene when the nuke actually strikes is one of the most chilling scenes I've ever seen. It's a miracle that the film won an Oscar, and Peter Watkins is the man. 5) Battle Royale Quick synopsis: a bunch of school kids are thrown onto an island and forced to kill each other until' only one is left. They have explosive collars around their necks that will explode if they try to escape or if time runs out. They're provided weapons, everything from uzis and hand grenades to frying pans and paper fans. Disturbing? Yes. Awesome and totally badass? Fuck yes. A badass instant-classic. 4) Lost and Found Video Night Not really a conventional film, but this series might as well be called Youtube: The Movie. It's basically just a random assortment of footage from public access channels, foreign channels, weird movies, and videotapes just found in garbage cans. I find it disturbing because a lot of the clips in the movies are focused on complete whackjobs. People that actually picked up a camera and decided that filming their inane shit was a good idea. It's even stranger because you're given absolutely no context for the videos. There's just something disturbing about watching a grainy, low quality video from the early 90s of some senile nutcase trying to peddle his crappy book about Lyme Disease. You'll probably never find any of these, and for good reason. 3) A Boy and his Dog As far as I know, this was one of the first post-apocalyptic movies ever made. It takes place after World War 4 and follows Vic and his dog Blood. Oh yeah, and they're able to talk to each other telepathically. The movie itself isn't really disturbing (the plot revolves around this underground society using Vic to repopulate their people, it's pretty cool), but what's disturbing is that Vic is the protagonist, yet his primary concern at the beginning of the movie is trying to find a woman to screw...or in this case, rape. So yes, we're rooting for a rapist. And the underground society in the movie is just...fucking weird. Plus, the movie has one of the most awesome endings ever, which I won't spoil in case someone actually wants to watch this movie. It's extremely disturbing yet hilarious at the same time is all I can say. It's mind-numbing how well known this film is. 2) Videodrome I'm sure most people have seen this, but if not, here's a quick rundown. James Woods plays a seedy executive for a low-rent cable station that specializes in smut. He comes across this show called Videodrome which is just people getting tortured in a room. He starts to become obsessed with it, and starts having all these tripped out hallucinations. His sexual relationship with the main female character is based around torture. He starts donning weird fucking flesh-human-machine body parts. Needless to say, this movie unsettled me. David Cronenberg for the win. 1) Happiness of the Katakuris Not disturbing in a "oh my God, that's so fucking disgusting" kinda way, but more in a "wow, somebody actually came up with this" kinda way. Basically, it's disturbing because of how strange and random it is. Let's see, the movie starts off with a woman in a restaurant eating some soup. All of a sudden, a weird little demon pops out of her soup, and for no reason at all, the movie turns into claymation. The demon rips out the woman's tongue, falls in love with it, and flies away. A whole bunch of random imagery happens during this title sequence, which ends with a bird carrying the demon getting knocked down by a piece of wood thrown by one of the protagonists. What does this have to do with the rest of the movie? Absolutely nothing. The funny thing is, apparently this movie is considered a Takeshi Miike "family film"...if you know the name, then that descriptor should have you scratching your head. |
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Haven't you done something similar to this before because I recall this list and some of the explanations. 0 Replies |
I posted this before, but this time's it's complete, updated and... better. 0 Replies |
Battle Royale is AWESOME!!! One of my favorites!!! :) 0 Replies |
I'm totally gonna check out the other ones that I haven't seen. Especially, "Happiness of the Katakuris...(if I can find them). Sounds like my kind of movies!! :) 0 Replies |
I have seen 2 & 3, and miike is a weirdo. I will take these into consideration if they are available to rent. Probably not. 0 Replies | 
Having seen two of the three in your list (excellent), now I've got to add the other three to to my viewing list -- because I'm sure they kick ass too. 0 Replies |
I suggest you go check out "Broken". It's a short film created by Trent Reznor. It is utterly disturbing and just by watching it I was a different person. More than likely its only available on YouTube. 1 Reply |
Already did. 0 Replies |
I just watched A Boy and His Dog this year. I fucking loved that movie. Not sure what took me so long to see it. It had been on my to watch list forever. 0 Replies | |
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What an amazing summer. Wanted, Kung-Fu Panda, Hulk, Batman, Hellboy, Mongol, Get Smart, Tropic Thunder, Pineaplle Express.... And those are just the action movies. Last year was probably the best cinematic year since 1999, and here we are in 2008, with what may be the best summer in decades. Every week there was atleast one great movie. It was fucking insane. I'm almost broke because I was going to the movies every weekend, thank god I raped that hobo and took her money.
Now? Well the summer is over. Now it's time for suck for a few months. December can't come fast enough. The Spirit, Punisher, Yes Man, Pokemon 12... I can't wait. Other than James Bond, the new Keven Smith movie and maybe Saw V (I kinda view the saw series as Friday the 13th on drugs, and I love Friday the 13th). Otherwise there really isn't anything that I'd go to see, though that's just me/anyone else who matters. [center]  [/center][center]Vin Diesel: Even he's laughing at himself.[/center] Atleast last year gave us 3:10 to Yuma, 30 Days of Night and The Bourne Ultimatum (Julia Stiles kicks ass). This year? Meh, I'm too lazy to care. We were going to get Harry Potter this November, and atleast that would have been fun to make fun of (and easy, just like Heath Ledger's wife). Best of all Twilight was coming out at a time where it easily could have been ignored. Now? Well now it's all fucked up. Now I actually have to acknowledge that film's existence. What's coming out next week? Some lame College movie, Disaster Movie, Traitor (wtf?) and some lame Vin Diesel movie (worst action actor ever?). Yeah four movies and not one of them even worth renting. Why is that? Because Fall sucks, it's the worst season ever. Spring, Winter and Summer are all laughing in that poser's face. I mean at the very least Sping gave us Stuck, Sarah Marshall, Snow Angels (best film of the year), the amazing Doomsday and the Jones Meister. What the fuck will fall bring us? A shitty Vin Diesel movie and Lakeview Terrace? Fuck that. Til' then, atleast I have TV. All the good TV shows start again during the Fall, the only thing keeping me alive. The Migty Boosh, House, Lost, Terminator, Bones, (especially Bones, the only show to give me a Boner)..... And Sesame Street. Snuffleupagus is my cock, and Elmo is my balls. If it wasn't for Sesame Steet, I'd probable kill myself right now. Fuck those gay muppets, Sesame Street is where the cool is at. Snuffleupagus is god. [center]  [/center][center]Snuffleupagus will fuck your shit up.[/center] So... With nothing but boring ass movies coming out, (though if you disagree, please tell me what upcoming movie dosen't suck, though keep in mind I'm always right) it's going to mean I'm actually going to start spending time away from the computer (le gasp) and with my old family (shiver). So enjoy me while you can people, sucky movies are going to kill me. Though that does mean I get to start complaining about shitty TV shows and stop moaning about about shitty movies (though shitty celebrities never stop shitting). Chaos (piece is gay) out. PS Me and Zooey are getting married. So I have a new family to make so don't be surprised if you never see me again (you can say the same about her virginity) |
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Damn. I wanted to marry you, not Zooey!! LoL 0 Replies |
There's enough of me to go around. Zooey won't even know. 0 Replies |
This has been a good summer for movie the best in a while. The new James Bond is going to be awesome. 0 Replies |
hehe. That works for me!!! :P 1 Reply |
Though, thinking about it, you wouldn't mind if Zooey was involved right? 1 Reply |
ok...ok...no, I wouldn't mind. Anything for you, Ash...errrr, I mean, Bruce. ;) 0 Replies |
I'm kind of curious about Blindness (except the title fucking sucks) and Burn After Reading should be amusing, if nothing else. But overall, I agree. 0 Replies | |
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1) Her song ''Seven Things I hate about You''. Seriously, that terrible abortion of a song gave me cancer. When I first it heard (I was watching Kim Possible, because that show is actually good) I thought she was saying ''Sellin' Things to Faithful' Jews'' because she said it so fast. When you sing, open your mouth you mumbling cunt. I couldn't understand what she was singing. I only eventually found out because of the end of the commercial. If the add hadn't told me, to this day, I'd still think she was singing about selling things to jews.
2) She's a whore. She's such a huge whore, she's almost whorier then Emma Watson and Britney Spears (especially to people with a baldness fetish). [center]  [/center][center]Look at this picture! If it was 1879 and if I was 15 this would almost be sexy![/center] 3) She works with Disney. Disney sucks. Ever since that racist Walt Disney ruined my chilhood by killing off Bambi's mom, I've hated that bigot. Everything good that ever came out of Disney was animated, which Miley clearly is not. Well, other then Pirates of the Caribbean (fun movies), Enchanted (clever movie) and Bridge to Terabithia (Zooey movie). Speaking of which, I just wanted to get a little off topic and adress how terrible Bridge to Terabithia was, other then Zooey. Oh boohoo, some stupid little girl died. Big deal. Cool people never die (Ledger anyone?). I mean, it wasn't even sad. Just thinking about those movies makes me want to cry... Oh god, why did Leslie have to die... Good god look at what that Miley bitch did... She made me cry... sniff... OH LESLIE COME BACK PLEASE!!! 4) Anyways, chilhood trauma aside, Miley Cyrus couldn't sing if the singing fairy took a shit on her. She thinks she's so 'rock'. No rocker wears a training bra (maybe Bruce Springsteen). If I wanted to listen to rock, I'd listen to Black Sabbath. This bitch is no Black Sabbath, and she shouldn't even try to be like Black Sabbath. If you can't be the best at something, you shouldn't even try. Everyone knows that. 5) She's as flat as an ironing board! Hell, even I had bigger boobs when I was her age. She might as well be in playboy, it's not as she's going to turn anyone above 12 on. Some people think it's stupid to talk about a minor's breasts, but that would be impossible because she has none. How can one talk about something that dosen't exist? I'd rather have sex with the kool-aid man. Atleast that would make me somewhat wet. [center]  [/center][center]Sexiest anthropomorphic picture ever. [/center] 6) Her 'movie' (I use that term loosely) was horrible. Besides, it beat Rambo at the box-office. Rambo would kick this flat bitch to the moon. Nobody fucks with Rambo. You know what would be cool? If Black Sabbath made a song about Rambo. Or if Rambo teamed up with Black Sabbath to kill Miley Cyrus and her army of zombie (asshole) Heath Ledgers. That would be awesome. Wait, I have a better idea - I'd make this movie called Aquawoman, and it would just be two hours of Miley Cyrus drowning. It would be the first mainstream snuff film. God I kick ass, that'd win all the Oscars (even best foreign film). 7) WHY LESLIE? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE?? [insert crying sounds] YOU AND THAT OTHER BOY WERE GOING TO BECOME FRIENDS AND LIVE HAPPILY TOEGETHER?? AND BAMM, ALL BECAUSE OF ZOOEY'S SEXINESS, YOU DIED! WHY HATH YOU FORSAKEN ME ZOOEY, WHY DID YOUR SEXINESS KILL LESLIE IN A FICTIONAL MOVIE?? WILL I DIE NEXT? DAMN YOU DISNEY, DAMN YOU AND YOUR EMOTIONALLY INVOLVING AND TOUCHING CINEMA!!!!!!1 DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!1![insert more crying sounds] [insert me withdrawing into a ball] [center]  [/center][center]Have fun at the museum kid, because of you not being gay, your friend is swinging into a tree and drowning right about now, dipshit. Though, can ya' blame him? I'd gladly kill eveyone I know to spend a few hours with an insanely older teacher who I find kinda attractive. (like he had a chance anyways)[/center] |
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*rolls eyes* Miley Cyrus is so over exposed, and her "movie" can't even be called that, it's a 3d concert. And you can't even call it a concert because you mosh at a concert! Yeah, my ister says this song is about Nick Jonas of the Jonas brother and how much she hates him. Wow. Just wow, you've managed to combine Jonas Brother hated into one of your songs. 0 Replies |
Off topic, if you like Kim Possible, check out Phineas and Ferb. The voice cast is a who's who in hollywood (which should include you) including half of the Rocky Horror original cast. Ah yes, Disney for a new generation! 0 Replies |
Richard O'Brien as the dad? I'm so there. 0 Replies |
I agree I hated that Hannah Montana movie because my little cousin made me watch but I did just to be nice and that was terrible. I hate everything about Hannah Montana. Why does she even have 2 names in the first place either be Hannah or Miley not both it is like be schizophrenic. 0 Replies |
I didn't know Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus were the same person until I read this. 0 Replies | |
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Recently, alot of information and buzz about Evil Dead IV has come about, and I thought I'd give ya'll a sneak peak to what the film may be about. Now, if you're a true Evil Dead-head you will know that Sam Raimi didn't get to use his own ending in Army of Darkness. Originally the film ended with Ash waking up 100 years too late in a post-apocalyptic wastland. Though the ending eventually used in the film was good too, and gave us lines like ''Hail to the King Baby'' and ''Name's Ash. Housewares''. So all was good. (besides, would you want to live in a world without ''Hail to the King baby''?)
But, in Evil Dead IV, we decided to use the post-apocalyptic ending instead because it was more ''Evil Deady''. And this is what's going to happen: [center]EVIL DEAD IV: DEAD BY NOONISH[/center] Ash wakes up and is pissed. He decides to take a walk around the place, and climbs a hill. But what's on the other side of the hill terrifies him: a million evil robot demons. Ash trys to get away from there without trying to make any sound but falls because he's an idiot. The robots discover him and knock him out. LATER Ash wakes up and his surprised to see a familiar face. Linda? (played by Zooey Deschanel) Why the hell would Linda be here a hundred years into the future? Ash is tied up against a wall and Linda is on the opposite side asleep. Ash makes a loud sound and wakes her up. They talk, and he discovers that when he was sent into the future, Linda had her heart broken and fucked Scott (played by Brat Pitt) out of sadness. She got pregnant and had a baby, who eventually had a baby, etc, etc. Apparently the character opposite Ash is really Linda's great grand-daughter... Uh... Zoey. (though he's not smart enough to figure that out) Ash uses his metal hand to break the rope binding him and also un-ties Zoey. The other tied up slaves cry out for help, but Ash ignores them because he's an asshole. He gets into an epic battle with the robot guards and kills them in bloody fasions. Zoey is impressed and is attracted to the older stranger. Ash and Zoey get the fuck out of there, but more robot demons block them. Ash breaks off one of their arms (which is a chainsaw) and kills them all with it because he's awesome. At that point he will attach the chainsaw back onto his arm and says ''groovy'' after alot of stylish quick cuts for no apparent reason. At that point Zoey will try to come onto Ash, and they will have long, sweaty awesome sex. (with plenty of close-ups on Zoey's private parts, but not mine, because that'd be gay) At that point more robots will come and one will stab Zoey, causing Ash to say ''NOOOOOOOOOO'' in some hilarious tone and fuck those robots up really fast. (I'll also have my boomstick back at this point, for no real reason) As Zoey is dying in Ash's arms, I will swear to save the world and revenge her death. She tells me (with her dying words) that she has a twin sister, who has been captured by the robot demon king. Fuck yeah. LATER After Ash kills some little kids and old people, he will be oustide some robot castle, and fight a dragon because it'll look cool. The dragon will fall against the wall, and I'll run into the castle. SEVERAL EPIC BATTLES AND ONE-LINERS LATER Finally, after a super-epic battle scene with the king (the best EVER) I'll be the new king of the world and demand all robots destroyed. Ash will rule the new world, and make it better. Everyone will love him, and there will be world-piece. Though he'll fuck it up because he's retarded, and probably kill millions. Though he won't care because he'll be to occupied fucking. LATER The final scene will be Ash meeting Zoey's twin sister... Uh, Linda (still played by Zooey, who'll just be blonde instead because I kinda liked it when her hair was blonde in Elf) and I'll have sex with her for about twenty minutes. But, the robot king will burst out of the door, half-alive, and ruin my sex. I'll kick his ass and say some more one-liners and the movie will end with me and new-Linda kissing, ontop of the king's dead body. THE END COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.... EVENTUALLY. DIRECTED BY: Bruce Campbell/Sam Raimi WRITTEN BY: Bruce Campbell STARRING: Bruce Campbell ---- Ash Zooey Deschanel ---- Zoey Brad Pitt ---- Scott/Guy I beat up Uma Thurman ---- Dragon's voice Ted Raimi ---- All the robots M. Night Something ---- Little girl Zooey Deschanel ---- Linda 2 Johnny Depp ---- The Evil Robot King Sam Raimi ---- Random woman So... Tell me what you think? Best Evil Dead ever or best movie ever? |
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best.movie.ever. 0 Replies | 
One word. Epic. 0 Replies |
but you forgot shalalylamlalyla :D 0 Replies |
I think that it would be awesome. Never saw Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness. I think that it could work out. great script. 0 Replies |
On the topic of Evil Dead...are you, Bruce, a fan of Cemetery Man? 0 Replies |
You best your ass. Legendary movie. 0 Replies |
Just what I had in mind. So we get Dragons in the future, groovy! 0 Replies | 
Best movie ever, but worst Evil Dead movie ever. Don't change a thing, because then you might make it the best Evil Dead movie ever but the worst movie ever. 0 Replies |
holy crap. the sex scene made coca-cola come out my nose. 0 Replies | 
ZOMG THAT WOULD B TEH BEST MOVIE EVARRRRRRR111! SO AWESOME11! LMFAO111 0 Replies |
you are genius!!! 0 Replies | 
Well, I'd watch it. 0 Replies | |
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Gross Greg on 6/12/09 at 4:49 PM
There is a difference between fame and infamy. You, my friend, are famous. Armond White, however, is infamous.
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Nathan F. on 6/18/09 at 2:23 PM
bravo, well said
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blattman on 7/21/09 at 4:00 PM
I know I have been off line for a few months, but who is Armond White and why do I care what he has to say?
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Arnold W. on 7/22/09 at 4:00 PM
What is this garbage? I'm a certified critic. You elitist White man.
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scifimark on 8/20/09 at 8:33 PM
nice!!!!!!! I love the fake armond chiming in!!!
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The Austin Critic on 8/21/09 at 11:41 PM
Full proof plan, absolutely genius!
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