I've really been struggling to get through Blonde Ambition, because it is really as bad as the box office numbers say. You'd think (or not) that Andy Dick, Jessica Simpson, and Luke Wilson could carry a movie about a small town girl getting in over her head as an Executive Assistant at a major company (AKA: My cinematic biography), but man, this movie sucks. I have about an hour to go and I don't know if I can finish it.

I got to thinking about what could possibly be worse than this legally rotten nugget of foul smelling funion and I came up with this!

PAC-MAN: THE MOVIE (2009, because it'll take me a while to get Pac-Man Jones to do a cameo)

[center][/center]
[center]Picture this, but BIGGER!![/center]


[left]Premise: Pac-Man (Seth Green) is a regular, good-natured, hilarious guy with an eating problem. He works a 9 to 5 at the post office, in the sorting area behind the counter. He's a good intentioned guy, but he has a problem. HE NEVER GETS FULL. [/left]


[center][/center]
[center]Hey guys, want to get lunch?[/center]


[left]Living in the posh neighborhood of Beverly Hills, none of his model-esque and red meat hating post office co-workers want to keep going to Mr. Yan's Chinese Buffet (Jackie Chan) or Shakey's Pizza Parlor, despite the hot waitress with ample cleavage named Lindsay, who treats him kindly and provides him with plenty of awkward ("How do you like your pie?", "I always want seconds.", "My buffet can stay open for you after hours.") sexual references (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, to reunite her with Chan from The Tuxedo). [/left]


[center][/center]
[center]Kind of like this, but in restaurants.[/center]


[left]Pac-Man is down on his luck. Sad. Depressed. Lonely at lunch and his dot matrix face is on the windows of many a restaurant saying "DO NOT LET HIM IN." Tired of the demerits he's been getting at work for eating the occasional package filled with cookies from grandma. Until.... GHOSTS INVADE BEVERLY HILLS!!! [/left]


[center][/center]
[center]Blinky (John Cusack), Pinky (Rachel McAdams), Inky (Billy Bob Thornton), Clyde (Carrot Top)[/center]


[left]Through a twist of fate in a weird dream filled with Levitra and Oreo product placements, Pac-Man realizes that if he eats a jar full of Pace Picante Sauce (label facing the camera, affectionately known as Power Pellets) HE CAN EAT THE GHOSTS (who hate tomato products) AND SAVE THE CITY!!!! [/left]

He dons THIS COSTUME:
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[left]In a twist between Google Earth and this:[/left]
[center][/center]
[center]Accompanied by music from Journey.[/center]


[left]Pac-Man chases the ghosts around Rodeo Drive (cameo by Kim Kardashian), Santa Monica Blvd. (cameo by Mischa Barton), Robertson Blvd. (cameo by Perez Hilton and Lindsay Lohan), and even Fairfax Avenue (hilarious cameo by Gary Coleman) before they can reach The Grove shopping center and holiday shoppers (this is a holiday flick).[/left]


[center][/center]
[center]OMG, there's like ghosts here.[/center]


[left]While all this is going on, Pac-Man must figure out if he's ok with having his estranged wife (Scarlett Johansson) join in on the crime fighting (she does, and looks hot in her costume). Ms. Pac-Man needs to figure out if she's ok with Pac-Man spending so much time at the pizza parlor with Lindsay. Pac-Man is torn between his three loves - Lindsay, Ms. Pac-Man, and Pizza in a slapstick action-comedy experience that only director Michael Bay could provide. [/left]


[center]THIS[/center]
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[center]PLUS THIS[/center]

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[center]With a burger in her mouth.[/center]


[left]They save the city!!![/left]


[left]Tagline: Saving the World. One Bite at the Time.[/left]


[left]Actually, this sounds better than Blonde Ambition. I'd watch it.[/left]

Much to the delight of my entertainment-obsessed self, I met Perez Hilton on Saturday morning in LA.

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I feel like I should draw something on the picture...

[/center]
For a bloggerific fool like myself, it was a pretty big thrill and well worth the effort to go out there just to meet him. Perez takes a lot of the free speech heat for doing things that a lot of other people are already doing and it's pretty awesome that he just takes the brunt of it for the rest of us in the Blogosphere. He was really kind and took the time to speak with everyone who was there to meet him (and there was quite the line!).

If you gave Perez some gossip that he didn't know about, you got a Kitson tote bag. I told him about Kristin Kreuk being cast as Chun Li in an upcoming Street Fighter movie, which he didn't know about. I got a man bag and gave it away to some obnoxious girl in line who didn't have any new gossip for Perez.

Off to play Guitar Hero.

Bratz: The Movie. 5 Fresh reviews. 63 Rotten. 7% on the Tomatometer. $9.9 million at the box office. "Too shallow even for its target audience."

Who watches movies like this? I DO.

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[center]Keepin' it Gangsta Out Da BOX![/center]

"[An] excruciatingly inane high-school comedy inspired by a line of sexually suggestive dolls aimed at 9-year-old girls." - Lou Lumenick, New York Post

I got interested in this green booger trainwreck based on a line of semi-successful dolls after checking out RT resident Wildcat Jen Yam's [b]Meet a Critic with Michael Phillips[/b]. Phillips said (though I have a feeling he was joking),

JY: Who is the next breakthrough performer, director or writer on the horizon?
MP: Everyone in Bratz. Didn't you love [color=#e15417][b]Jon Voight[/b][/color] in Bratz? Not since he got horked up by the snake in [color=#e15417]Anaconda[/color] have I seen such magic.

While Phillips may or may not have been joking, I figured if a movie was that memorable to the point that it was the first thing that came to his mind, there has to be some value to it.

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[center]Key to life: Money. Power. Respect. Friendship. Fashion.[/center]

7% on the Tomatometer. 11% by Cream of the Crop critics. There is hope.

With that in mind, I asked my roommate and RT Community Manager Ryan to shoot Bratz onto his Netflix queue.

Here is a rundown of the conversation:
D: So no Bratz?
R: You were serious?
D: I would watch it if it came in the mail. I'm just wondering what it does for 102 minutes.
R: Okay, I'll do it, but on one condition.
D: Of course you get to watch w/me!!
R: You have to watch it all the way to the end, even if I get bored and leave the room
D: Ok that's doable. I will watch and enjoy.
R: I'm putting it on my list right now and shooting it to the top of the queue. Is Jon Voight in this movie?? Poor man.

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[center]OMG, it's totally not that bad![/center]

"The derivative Bratz is a great big pink marshmallow of a movie, aimed at one demographic only: tween girls into fashion and lip gloss. Anyone else, enter at your own risk." - Kit Bowen, Hollywood.com

Enter I will, Kit Bowen of Hollywood.com. Enter. I. Will. Besides, I love marshmallows.

"This is why the terrorists hate us." - Nathan Rabin, Onion AV Club

That might be taking it too far, Mr. Rabin.

"Bratz is like being raped by MySpace." Joshua Tyler, Cinemablend.com

Then add me, baby.

Be back with a full report soon, my BFF's!